I haven't had a hard candy in...years? Who eats them? Old people? What is is about going to the theatre that makes so many HUNDREDS of people need a damn hard candy. And of course it's not the consumption of the candy that is so annoying, although the knock-slurp of a candy rolling around in an elderly mouth IS one of the most disgusting noises ever. Far more irritating is the unwrapping of the candy. Just as inexplicable as the mass compulsion to consume hard candies at the theatre is the apparent inability to open them efficiently. It's like some spell is cast upon public performance spaces that prevents someone from fumbling with a wrapper for less than sixty seconds.
It's funny because I haven't been to the theatre in ages. I think I've only seen two live shows now since I've lived in Atlanta. I forgot how annoying audiences were! I have to say they weren't quite this bad in New York, either, though they certainly were in Baltimore. I'm not sure why, since so much of a New York audience is tourists anyway. But it may have to do with the antiquated facilities and limited size of most New York theatres, which might prevent them from offering a full-service concession stand. Of course none of this prevents the hard-candy phenomenon, but my eyes were opened a an astounding array of other annoyances at the Fox this weekend that were new to me.
Popcorn. People freely carried popcorn and beverages back to their seats.
Like in a movie theatre. Or at the circus. The Fox is an extraordinary treasure, and the thought of these suburbanite oxen and (worse) their children spilling sticky beverages all over the auditorium seems at odds with the extensive efforts of restoration and preservation that have been undertaken at the Fox. These didn't surprise me too much, though, since beverages and candy bars at least have been sold in theatres as long as I remember, even the enjoyment of these items was traditionally confined to the lobby and lounges.A completely new and frankly heartbreaking site was when, about 2/3 of the way into act one, someone came back to their seat carryi
ng a tray of food - sandwich, chips, soda. During a fucking play. Is there any possible way to eat a meal inside a theatre without annoying other people? The obvious answer is no, but the most frustrating part of it was unlikely enough the smell. From two rows and about six feet away, I distinctly identified a ham, swiss, and mustard sandwich by scent alone. For about twenty minutes. I could only hope the chandelier would drop on her as she gorged herself, but unfortunately it did not.All's not lost, though. There was no annoying talking during the performance - you know it, that "old person" whisper you hear at the theatre between two people who think they're being quiet.
"What'd she say?"
"She said she loves him."
"What?"
"She loves him."
"Oh. I can't hear."
No shit?
There were also no phones ringing, no bright iPhones glaring as people text during a performance. Just the food, really. The scents and sounds of people getting fatter by the second in their seats.
