I hate painful roller coasters.

I hate roller coasters that cause you physical pain, especially when it's non stop from beginning to end! And this one hits home especially hard because I love roller coasters!

Honestly, let me rewind a bit because this is really one branch of a larger "I hate Six Flags parks" sentiment. I won't spend too much time on it, because this surely won't be the last time it comes up, but I do hate Six Flags parks. They are corporate monsters, poorly run, poorly maintained, anemic in customer satisfaction skills, and both lacking the family/traditional appeal of a park like Hersheypark or Cedar Point or the sheer wow factor of a Disneyland or Busch Gardens. Six Flags parks exist, for me, simply as a place to ride some rides. Me visiting a Six Flags park is like a vampire who drinks rat blood to sustain - a necessity, but not satisfying.

More to the point of this post: I hate poorly maintained rides. You can cram in coaster after coaster to wow people and inflate statistics, but if the coasters suck, the equation comes up short. Some rides are uncomfortable neck-breakers just because they seem designed to kill - Sidewinder at Hersheypark; Batman at Great Adventure; the defunct Drachen Fire at Busch Gardens. However, I offer The Great American Scream Machine (pictured) at Six Flags Over Georgia as an example of a coaster where something just went wrong along the way. A classic 70's-era out-and-back woodie, GASM was designed to evoke the simple pleasures of the woodies from the 20's-40's - big drops and fast bunny hills. As I ascended the lift hill of neighboring Ninja yesterday at Six Flags, nervous about the impending neck-breaking loops and corkscrews, I looked at GASM with restful longing. It looks massive but tame; classic. Minutes later I was ascending the lift hill of GASM, arms already up for a thrilling drop. The moment we began to descend, I regretted it. The rest of the ride became a horrible gamble - will I suffer less damage by bracing myself or by letting go altogether? I can't remember which I did, but it didn't work. Foot after endless foot of the damn wooden beast was shuttering, sending pain down my spine, and inflicting an instant headache upon me. Yes, I'm getting older. Proof positive: One ride on the tame Rodeo, a carnival type ride at Hersheypark, practically did me in a few years back. But my brother and I agreed that GASM was hands down the worst coaster we'd ever been on. It was as if the cars didn't have wheels and were somehow "rolling" on square blocks, or just sliding along.

The sad conclusion we came to is that it couldn't have always been this way, and that proper TLC probably could have made it the best ride in the park (unfortunately, not a lofty goal, since we were disappointed by coaster after coaster throughout the day). Happily, I don't think I need a chiropractic appointment after all. But that was another nail in the coffin of my fondness for Six Flags.