I hate when a classic food product becomes a bastardized franchise.

I hate when a classic is bastardized into something ridiculous and hardly related. But lets leave George Lucas out of this, because here I'm talking about food - specifically thinly-related food items that bear little likeness to their namesake.

If you go to Nabisco's website and look at their Oreo products page, there are 51 results. Yes, many of these are different size packages of Oreos, or even the less offensive direct variations (Mini Oreos, Golden Oreos, etc.). But it's the real unrelated cash-ins that perplex me. In the photo above, I would hazard a guess that a taste test of Oreo Ice Cream Sandwiches, Oreo Cereal, and least of all Oreo Wafer Rolls wouldn't offer an experience anything like that of eating an Oreo.

Oreo does seem to be the worst offender among a list that includes:

Cocoa Krispies Cereal Straws - how does something that's not small and crunchy bear any relation to a "Krispie?" I give you that a straw may "snap" and "crackle," but how can it pop? Notice the forced smile on poor Pop's face, like a has-been It Girl forced to do porn. I must say the whole cereal straw phenomenon is beyond me.







Pringles Stix - I have to admit, these are pretty darn tasty. Like Pocky without the frosting, but then again I've always enjoyed bland crackers. Still, their existence baffles me. It is a cracker-ish crispy stick, in no way related to potatoes or any sort of chip. Why, then, the Pringles name? What is next? Pringles Breadcrumbs? Pringles Popsicles? Pringles Personal Lubricant?





Starburst Fruit Twists - These are essentially Starburst flavored Twizzlers. Now I've gotta hand it to Starburst - they do jellybeans right! Their jellybeans have a great taste that truly evokes the original Starburst tang. These Twists? Waxy and flavorless. Another gimmick gone horribly awry, though the results are less disgusting and more of just a blah "why?"

Moral of the story - stick to what you know. Even if you succeed in your own brand-rape and manage to produce something tasty, I still secretly hate you.