I hate Zooey Deschanel

Fellow haters, you've been waiting for it: I hate Zooey Deschanel. Look at her. She's cute. Her big doe eyes are visually appealing. Her dry delivery encapsulates her hipster generation's feigned apathy. Then watch her in another movie, then another, and realize a bitch can't act. She really can't act, no more than fellow indie icon Catherine Keener (who I somehow still liked until I found out she was in Where the Wild Things Are). Zooey Deschanel refuses to find a character in any script. She simply says things. I don't get it. After one or two movies, you realize those doe eyes are no pools of emotion - they might as well be drawn on. Scratch that - Spongebob's drawn eyes say a lot more than ZD's ever will. ZD has buttons, like Coraline. Notice I can't even type her name anymore. Has there ever been a more pretentious name than Zooey?

To pile on the pretentious hipsterism, a few more facts. ZD is married to the lead singer of such over-glorified sissy hipster bands as Death Cab for Cutie and The Postal Service, Ben Gibbard, a person so grotesquely unattractive, hip and sensitive that he can only wear black nerd glasses. They're like the Brangelina of their own pathetic genre - "Zen?" Another fact, this girl is so full of her self she actually has her own band, too! She's like a, well, double threat! (Threat to no one.) Her band is called She & Him - such profound simplicity. And to top that, their first album was called Volume One; the second one, Volume Two. They're way too cool for something as commercial as a title! One day I'll have to check this band out. I can't even bear to play a clip on You Tube to research this post.