I hate raping the classics: Disney edition.

I hate these stupid direct-to-DVD Disney sequels that they have been churning out like frothy diarrhea since 1994's Return of Jafar. I can't really critique these abominations on content, since I've never seen a single one, but the very idea of them represents the worst of consumer excess. The direct-to-DVD nature right away warns "Inferior Quality! We don't care!," which is only backed up by such high-profile disappointments as a non-Robin-Williams-voiced Genie. The sales pitch was obvious: Here is a low-cost product with brand- (via character-) recognition that parents will buy up in the millions to stuff into DVD-players instead of raising their kids. The titles do nothing to disguise the lack of inspiration:

• The Return of Jafar - Jafar returns! Chaos ensues.

• Cinderella II: Dreams Come True - Guess what!? Cinderella and the prince do live happily ever after, tying up that cliffhanger fifty years later.

• Return to Neverland - Hey, Peter Pan goes back!? Never saw that coming...not even when it was called Hook.

A quick review of some other titles out reveals the bottom-of-the-barrel depths to which the catalog has sunk: The Fox and the Hound 2, Atlantis: Milo's Return, Stitch! The Movie. And no classic property is sacred, as evidenced by decades-late shit-bombs bearing the inspired names Cinderella II (and III), Bambi 2, The Jungle Book 2, and Lady and the Tramp 2. Maybe it's just me, but something about this makes it even more insulting than the crappy Star Wars prequels. At least George Lucas cared, and spend a lot of time, money, and energy on a (horribly misguided) labor of love. Disney is just cashing in. (Yes, I realize this particular blog entry doesn't exactly have it's finger on the pulse of pop culture. Whining about Disney as the worst of Capitalism isn't new stuff, but you know what, I just started this blog so let me play a little catch-up! After all, I'm suffering through the endless commercials for new classics like Tinkerbell now more than ever as I live in a Nick-friendly household.)

Finally, in addition to insulting its customers with inferior animation, writing, and voice work, it's really just the general lack of inspiration that I do find so hateful. The sheer point of a classic fairy tale like Cinderella is to achieve the conventional happy ending. Was there ever a story that demanded a sequel less, much less two of them? (Even Into the Woods drags after intermission!) Say what you want (and I want) about Disney, I still have a cherished reverence for their classic films. On and off, they have created some of the best children's movies ever, from Snow White through, well the last classic was probably The Lion King. But I've even got colorful childhood memories of The Aristocats and The Rescuers. If Atlantis: Milo's Return is the fodder for the fond memories of tomorrow's adults, that just depresses me.