I hate foot gloves.

Emergency alert! This entry is a special bulletin. I missed the public service message, but apparently there was one because in the past week approximately ¼ of the population is now wearing foot gloves instead of those lame shoes. And guess what? I hate them. I really, really hate them.

Idiotically stupid looking and childish, these “shoes” are officially known as Vibram FiveFingers. According to Vibram’s website, we can reclaim the child-like wonder of going barefoot now in many activities, including hiking, yoga, and kayaking. Wouldn’t you rather do these things barefoot? Now you can…sort of. With Vibram FiveFingers, it’s really supposed to feel like you’re walking around barefoot, at one with nature, with just the patented protective Vibram sole to keep your feet safe. But hold on a minute, I’d just as soon wear shoes doing most of this crap anyway. Arch support, anyone? Beyond that, how about a little decorum and self-respect. With their ballet-slipper design, made more asinine by those absurd little toe-sleeves, this footwear just makes people look like idiots. Especially since, in addition to those woodsier, hippy pleasures, people seem most often compelled to don them for more mundane tasks, like shopping at Trader Joe’s, or walking the dog. Yes please, make sure you show off your trendy new purchase as often as possible. Really, I want to see people doing more exciting things in their new foot gloves, like falling off buildings, getting hit by cars, and stepping on nails.

To me foot gloves have all the appeal of those silly socks my college roommate used to have, which had articulated toes, each a different color. I hate the little connector on flip-flops that goes between your big and second toe. The idea of having a sock or shoe crammed up between each toe doesn’t sound like bliss, it sounds irritating. Please keep your colorful footwear fads. If you own foot gloves, please shove them up your ass along with the (no doubt brightly-colored) croc’s you bought five years ago and don’t wear anymore.